A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.  His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. After 20 minutes, he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating. "why r u sweating?", he asks. The Parrot replies,"Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA :

Scenario 1 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on..
That's MUMBAI..

Scenario 2 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.. The first two get together and beat him up..
That's DELHI.

Scenario 3 : Two guys fighting and third guy comes nearby house and says "don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else."
That's BANGALORE..

Scenario 4 : Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there
That's AHEMDABAD.

Scenario 5 : Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles.. Now 50 guys are fighting..
You are in PUNJAB.

Scenario 6 : Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them..
You are in WASSEYPUR..

Scenario 7: Two guys fighting third guy comes and start beating the weaker one...
You are in KANPUR...

Last Scenario : Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer.. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends..
You are definitely in GOA...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" =))

6 Negatives lines ,with positive meanings....

1. Money can't buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a cycle :D . 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name:D . 3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again/:) . 4. Many people are alive only becoz its illegal to shoot them(n). 5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but neither does juice** . 6. Smoking kills, but if you don't smoke, doesn't mean you'll never die...!!

Santa and Banta are driving down the road and get pulled over by the police. The cop gets out and knocks on the window.
When they open the window, the police officer says, "We are looking for two rapists."
Santa and Banta quickly close the windows and have a heated argument.
After a few minutes, Santa rolls down his window and says to the cop, "Okay... we are ready, we'll do it !! "

A Man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman).
The Judge said " Can you give me one good reason why you did it ? "
Man - I can give 3:
1) It is none of your business.
2) She was my wife.
3) I didn't know she was DEAD. She always behaved like THIS .. When Having Sex.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she said with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Johny kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks!

Johny kills a honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks.

Mom kills a cockroach...
Johny turns to dad and says
are you gonna tell her or shall I...?? B-)

Birthday Surprise..

Climax is just awesome :D

CONFESSION OF A LADY!!!..

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see
me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband
was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse
than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..

A BF takes his GF to a resturant for dinner GF order fish, crab, lobsters, chicken etc
BF asks her do u eat some much at home too
GF- no but after food my mother does not plan to fuck me=))