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Sunday, April 28, 2013

A man and woman had been married for more than 63 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said it will take time to heal. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Saturday, April 27, 2013

An American Family-

Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruis for 1 million?

Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.

Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruis for 1 Million?

Daughter: Yes He is my fantasy!

Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruis for 1 million?

Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!

Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we r sittin wid 3 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we r living wid 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard!!!!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Santa was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."

Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said:
"You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!" cheers

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

'A servant enrolled his donkey in a
race & won.

Local paper read : 'Servant's ASS
WON'.

King was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he ordered the
servant to get rid of the donkey,
and give it to her queen.
As ordered, He gave the donkey to
the queen.

The local paper then read :
'QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN'.
The king fainted.
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.

Next day paper read :
'QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'.

This was too much, KING ordered
the queen to buy back the donkey
& leave it in the jungle.

The next day Headlines :
'QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
WILD & FREE'

The king died next day!'

'Policeman: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

Bean: I was going in my car then I suddenly lost control.

Policeman: Then what happened?

Bean: I saw 2 people on the right and a wedding on the left. You tell which would I hit?

Policeman: The 2 people on the right of course, would cause less damage.

Bean: Exactly what I thought. I hit the first one but then the other one ran into the wedding so I went after him !'

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

1 inch - Are you fucking kidding?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
7 inch - Can't complain.
8 inch - Fucking perfect.
9 inch - A bit much.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
11 inch - I can't take it anymore.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

Results of people reviewing different Subway Sandwiches!!!oo

One day a teacher was talking about
marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...
do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, no...

Teacher: oh so u want her to be round and white?

Johny: No, no...

Teacher: Oh, so u want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon?

Johny: No, no...
I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...!!!

man will be man :p :D

Friday, April 19, 2013

Vegetarian looks at my burger and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that burger."

I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all his food...X_X =))

Vegetarian looks at my burger and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that burger."

I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all his food...X_X =))

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Man being interviewed for the post of a Security Guard. Interviewer:
"We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert; merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most
importantly; having a killer instinct. Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?" ;) :p
=))

Job at the FBI : The FBI had an opening for an assassin & After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair..... . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'The agent said, 'You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the Gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with fake bullets' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair..'. =D

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasnt there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."

Real Heart Touching Story :( :'( -

Must read and share it:

"A boy sent the most expensive bird that could speak 40 languages as a birthday gift to his G.F.
.
Next day he asked about the gift.
.
.
B.f : Hows the bird? :)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.G.f : Very Tasty :p

MUST READ:Kids are a blessing no matter what they do......

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are
excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Sunday, April 14, 2013

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
=)) =)) =))

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Baby mosquito came back after its first flying...
His dad asked him, "how do u feel ?"
He replied "it was wonderful Daddy... All humans clapped hands for me!!"

Your destiny by your employer is not decided according to what you perform.

E.g. Condoms are also thrown in dustbin even after 100% result oriented performamce..=))

High heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.:p=));)

One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word, 

"I am having such a wonderful time! 
Wish you were her !"

Monday, April 8, 2013

2 kids on a bed....
1st : i am a boy, what are you ??
.
.
2nd : I dont know
.
.
1st : wait I see then I'll
tell you (goes under the
blanket) You are a girl....
.
.
.
.
2nd : how did you know ?....
.
.
.
.
1st : because my socks
are blue and yours are pink !!!!

A Man goes to Five Star Hotel....

Man :- “One Vodka Price”<=-P

Waiter :- “Rs. 5/- Sir”\=D/

Man :- What Only Rs. 5/ ??:O:>
Can I Also Have One Pizza Please" ??:s

Waiter :- “Rs. 7/- Sir” :D

Man :- “Wow That’s Really Cheap, Can I Meet The Owner of this Hotel” ?? \=D/:>

Waiter :- “No Sir, He’s Busy With My
Girlfriend” !!!! >:O#:-s

Man :- “What’s He Doing With Your
Girlfriend” ???? :/

Waiter :- “The Same Thing That I’m Doing To His Business Here“ !!!!X_X =)) :p

A woman went for fishing.
She enjoyed boating & got tired.
She sat, kept her things &
started reading a book.

Policeman came, said: Maam you are in "NO" fishing Zone.

She said: "I am reading not
fishing."

Policeman said:
"But you have all equipment & u
might start anytime."

Woman shouted: "Im not fishing
here. Now you are sexually harrassing me."

Policeman said: "I am not doing
anything!"

She smiled: "Thats it! You have
all equipment & might start anytime!"

Moral : Never Argue with a Woman

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The guy who discovered milk, What was he doing with that cow?

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver.

Do you want to Earn $500 right away ?
The driver excitedly said what do I have to do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her.
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
and the husband says to him,
"This is not my wife" the driver replied "
Nooooo , this is mine, hold her for me.
I'm going for yours"! :O X_X =))