First Day of college..
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Boy sees a beautiful girl sitting right
next to him, & he writes on paper
"i love you, do you love me ?"
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She replies"No"
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he didn't give up, he rubs her answer & passed same paper to another girl sitting left to him. And she replies"Yes"
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Moral of the story is:
RECYCLE PAPER and save trees, save earth !

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.

An Ideal Man

The ideal man doesn't smoke,
doesn't drink,
doesn't do drugs,
doesn't swear,
doesn't get angry,
does everything his wife asks,

last but not the least
doesn't exist !!

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
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The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets.

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual,"

And he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in Couple of Secs...

A woman visited her parent's home. When she opened refrigerator, she found a pic of supermodel in a bikini.

Lady : mom, what's this?

Mom : oh, I put up that pic, which reminds me, not to overeat.

Lady : is it working?

Mom : yes and no. I've lost 9 kg but your dad has gained 22 kg..

100% Hard Hitting Fact of Life:

If you earn your bread well.. There will always be people around you to apply butter..!!

Son was looking at falling stars and praying for good marks...

Father came along and said "Technology is so advanced that man has reached the moon and you searching for your luck in stars...?!!"

Son replied "Dad, don't be ridiculous you know babies can be made in test tubes also, but have you stopped trying the old way...!!!?"

Mild adult but with good message

A diary entry by a man -
Last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed for the first time. Well, the passion started started to heat up, and suddenly she said,
'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! Whats that?!'

She said:
'You've really not touched my emotional needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep dejected.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big big departmental store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited that it could be seen through her looks and actions.

She Finally said, 'I think this is all
darling, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself and I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled look 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not part of my financial things, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Girls will be girls..!!

Girlfriend giving house directions to her Boyfriend:

"Come to the front gate of my apartment where you drop me,
look for flat 9A,
you will find a lift on your right.
Hit 9 with your ELBOW.....
get out of the lift, you will find my flat on left....
hit the doorbell with your ELBOW & I get the door for you..."

Boyfriend says,
"Dear, that seems easy but why am I hitting buttons with my elbows?

Girlfriend,
"0MG!
Are you coming empty handed..?"

Boyfriend speechless..!!

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming.. She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?

Wife: This is a robot i bought to have sex with when you are traveling...

Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now...

Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday i got my period, so i will go and make a cup of coffee for you..

After she left the husband said: Damn i am so horny, i will fuck this robot...

He tried fucking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way..

"System error
Wrong hole
System error
Wrong hole.."

Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window..

The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said:

"SOFTWARE UPDATED"
"PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

WIFE: Don't you have manners.. I am speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute.

 HUSBAND: I am not yawning... I m trying to say something...=D=)):p

Its All Implied

Put your girlfriend in a room & lock it...
Put your dog in another room & lock it..!
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Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you..!
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(Readers are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals..
who had now break up... and living happily with their dog.)

Management Lessons In A Little Bird’s Story!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to revive and felt how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The Management Lessons From The Story:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents' house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that fire engine with it bells hadn't come along."

There was a man with four wives. He loved his fourth wife the most and took a great care of her and gave her the best.

He also loved his third wife and always wanted to show her off to his friends. However, he was always had a fear that she might runaway with some other man.

He loved his second wife too. Whenever he faced some problems, he always turned to his second wife and she would always help him out.

He did not love his first wife though she loved him deeply, was very loyal to him and took great care of him. One day the man fell very ill and knew that he is going to die soon.

He told himself, "I have four wives with me. I will take one of them along with me when I die to keep company in my death."

Thus, he asked the fourth wife to die along with him and keep company. "No way!" she replied and walked away without another word.

He asked his third wife. She said "Life is so good over here. I'm going to remarry when you die".

He then asked his second wife. She said "I'm Sorry. I can't help you this time around. At the most I can only accompany you till your grave."

By now his heart sank and he turned cold.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go."

The man looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the man said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have!"

Actually, we all have four wives in our lives.

a. The fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

b. The third wife is our possession, status and wealth. When we die, they go to others.

c. The second wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

d. The first wife is our soul, neglected in our pursuit of material wealth and pleasure. It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go.

A Moment of Silence

Today, lets spare a Moment of Silence in Honour of those children who were not born. But were...
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1. Swallowed during a Blow job.

2. Thrown away in A Condom.

3. Washed in boxers after Wet Dreams.

4. Buried in ASS adventures and

5. Lost during Masturbation.

Consider Yourself lucky to be alive.

An EGYPTIAN girl asked an INDIAN boy: What can you do for me?

The boy replied: come behind the PYRAMID. I will make you MUMMY.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"She choked."

Desperate Needs Desperate Measures

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Its all Implied

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Smooth Criminal

A policeman searched me in a
Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of weed.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing it down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing it, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

Love Questions

Dear Love Guru,

There is this girl I love so much but I still don't know why she won't talk to me anymore. It started like this:
She posted on Facebook: "All men are dogs!"

I commented: "Which breed is your father?"

That's how the problem started. Please did I ask the wrong question?

Sincerely confused.

Saw an ad in the newspaper :

Need Accountant, 15000Rs - 20000Rs. So I called and told them the answer is -5000Rs.

Q. What's female Viagra?
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A. Jewelery

Santa calls up the doc at 2 AM. "Doc, my wife is having severe abdomen pain. I think it's her appendix."

"What nonsense!" says the doc sleepily.
"I took out your wife's appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep."

Five minutes later, the phone rings and it's Santa again.

"Doc, I'm sure it's her appendix."

"Oh God!" the doctor groaned.

"Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?"

"No...," says Santa. "But I'm sure you must have heard of someone having a second wife..!!!!"

Its all implied..

The Judge told him, "In 20 years on the Bench, I've never heard such a Disgusting, Immoral thing. Just give me One Good Reason Why I shouldn't Lock you up & throw away the Jail Keys in the Toilet?"
The Man Replied,
"I can Give you THREE Good Reasons:

1. It's None of your Damn Business;
2. She was My Wife; and...
3. I Didn't KNOW She Was Dead, She ALWAYS Acted That Way !!!"

The Case was Dismissed & the Judge Announced the following Warnings:
For the Ladies:: PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT !!!

For the Guys: IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP
IMMEDIATELY & CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!
Case Dismissed !!!

One Riddle....But With an Answer

Once there was loving couple traveling in a bus in a mountainous area.

They decided to get down at
some lonely place. After the couple got down at some place the bus moved on. As the bus moved
on, a huge rock fell on the bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs. Everybody on board was killed. The couple upon seeing that, said, "We wish we were on that bus."
Why do you think they said that?

Scroll down for answer. It is a 100% challenge that you will have a wrong answer to the question asked in the passage...
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If they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get down, the resulting time delay could have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed.

Think Positive in life always and look for opportunities when you can help others...

Mr. Bean v/s Einstein

Einstein & Mr.Bean sitting next to each other on a long flight..

Einstein says, Let's play a game..
I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..

Einstein asks the first question : What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon..?

Mr.Bean doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket, pulls out a $5..

Now, it's Mr.Bean's turn..
He asks Einstein : What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..?

Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends..
After an hour he gives Mr.Bean $500..

Einstein going nuts and asks : Well,so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four..?

Mr.Bean reaches his pocket and gives Einstein 5$ !!!

Pappu texts to her girlfriend, "Do you fcuk?"
Girlfriend: Excuse me?
Pappu: Do you fcuk?
Girlfriend: Stop it, asshole!

Pappu: Stupid auto-correct in my phone, I am soooo sorry.
Girlfriend: It's OK. I'm sorry, too. What did you mean to say, anyways?

Pappu: Do you suck??!?

Mindblowing.......

1st yr MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the table with real dead body. The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor. The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g. he inserted his finger in the body's ass & on drawing back, put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it. Then he told the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's ass & tasted it. When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said :The most important 2nd quality is Observation. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Now learn to pay attention...!!

All students : (x_x)! !!! !!

R.I.P 3nglish

Plz forgive me if u die laughing......... ........ .

This is an actual letter taken from the Times of India in response to a `Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am seeing ur advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on u and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.
I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road.
I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly. Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.
I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so.
I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.
I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.

RIP ENGLISH

All Indians are environmentalists.
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They save millions of trees by not using the toilet paper.

If you think you have a boring life ,just remember there is someone out there somewhere typing

'terms and conditions'.

Fun Politics

Manmohan Singh as PM, India Govt didn't work for last 10 years,

Manmohan Singh visits USA, US government shuts down for first time in 17 years... ;-)

Boy : Where are u? :/♥♥

GIRL: My dad asked his driver to drop me to the club, you? ;;)

BOY: I'm sitting behind you in the bus don't pay,
I have paid for you X_X:]xx=))

I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking,

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen,

I enter the house,

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard,

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame,

But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk,

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink,

Quickly enjoy one peg,

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack,

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard,

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile,

I peep into the kitchen,

Wife is cutting potatoes,

No one is aware of what I did,

Becoz I never take a risk,

I: Any news on Chopra's daughter's marriage,

Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky.

Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard,

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle I take out the glass from the old rack above sink,

Quickly enjoy one peg,

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink,

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard,

But still no one is aware of what I did,

Becoz I never take a risk,

I: But still I think Chopra's daughter's age is not that much,

Wife: What are you saying? She is 35 yrs old... Like an aged horse,

I: (I forgot her age is 35) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard,

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed,

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly,

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep
It in the black cupboard,

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did,

Becoz I never take a risk,

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!

Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes,

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg,

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack,

Wife is giving a smile,

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking,

But still no one is aware of what I did,

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Chopra is marrying a horse!!

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack,

Stove is also on the rack,

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside,

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink,

But none of the horses are aware of what I did,

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk,

Chopra is still cooking,

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing,

Becoz I never take Risk ...

I'm on my way 2 the hospital right now..
My neighbor's kid swallowed my 4GB memory card and now he is busy singing all the songs on
the memory card!!
Praying he doesn't get to the video section anytime soon!!:...

Girl... Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, proposed to each other on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship thru viber. I need your blessing and good wishes daddy...

Dad said:
Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun online. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them thru g-mail and if you are fed up with your husband... Sell him on OLX....

Santa won an English quiz by writing the opposite word of:

Manchester United

Guess what he had written?
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Woman chest are Divided!

“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job.” Sue tells her friend Carol. “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.”

A day later Sue asked Carol is she followed her advice.

“I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

An American picks up a hot blonde tourist and takes her back to his place. After a round of passionate sex, he asks, “So, you finish?” She pauses for a second and frowns, “No.” Surprised, he grabs her, and they go at it again until she’s screaming with passion.

Afterward he smiles and asks, “You finish?” Once more she smiles, cuddles him, and softly says, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he’s going to leave her unsatisfied, he mounts her a third time until she’s clawing the sheets.

Exhausted, he asks again, “You finish?” Finally, the blonde whispers, “No, I’m Norwegian.”

One man calls emergency:

"Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"

After five minutes, the same man calls back:

"Don't worry, I found another one."

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin bitch won't help you?"

Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft!

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."

The minimum Area with maximum
decoration is called
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'' Girl's Face ''

Knowledge of Da Day

The woman who invented the phrase "All men are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China..

Girl : I am Sexually Harassed....
Boss : How ?
Grl : This Man everday comes and say your Hair Smells Nice...
Boss : What's the Problem in that ?..
Girl : He is only 3 Feet Tall..

This one is awesum...
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road outside Parliament, Delhi.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Indian Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

WHAT SEX CAN DO...!

1. It makes some people religious: Oh God! Oh My
God! Yes! God!

2. It gives some people their first musical lesson:
mmmm...aaaahh...ooooh...aaahhh

3. Makes some people natural competitors:
Ffaaast! Fasterrr! Yeah fasterrr!

4. It makes some people announce their own obituary:
Ahh you are killing me! I'm dead! I'm finished! You'll kill me!

5. It makes some ladies become terrorists:
Destroy it! Don't show any damn mercy! Just tear it apart! Don't do it with mercy! I am not your sister. Do it harderrr...HARDER!

6. Others become respectful:
Give it to me please.. please ... mmm... please I'm begging.

7. Some show sudden loyalty:
I love you! You are my life! I'm yours forever! You are the best! Say whatever you want. Jack me any how and it's yours!

8. Makes some people become beggars:
Yeah please don't stop! Please I beg in God's name give it to me!

Funny thing sex is... =))

A guy was siting in the toilet when
someone from the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how are you?
He got embarrassed and said,
2: I m fine.
1: So what are you up to?
2: Well, just sitting like u.
1: Can I come over?
2: No! Are you crazy?
1: Listen I will call you back. There is
an idiot in the other toilet answering my questions.

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher,
"I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little

Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"

A Director made a film on lesbians & named it
'Fire'
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Now he is making another film on gay.
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Can you guess the name...?
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'Backfire'

What is the difference between America and India??

What is the difference between America and India??
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In America you can Kiss in public,
And in India you can Piss in public..!

Santa: What is Difference Between “complete and finish”?

Banta: When You marry a Right Person You are Complete,
And When You Marry The Wrong One Your Are Finished!!! =)) X_X

One Line Advertisement by Married Man In Newspaper
.
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For Sale:Wedding Suit.
Worn Only Once By MISTAKE..!

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.
He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in.

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed.".

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me.
She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".

The old man said, "And the same old story...!"

2 tamil men get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:

"Emma cums first.
Den I cum. Den two asses cum together. I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul- mouthed sexobsessed Indian, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they are."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

(I swear you're gonna read this again)

Excellent Reply:
A mother-in-law said to her son's wife, when the baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son!"
I just love this answer.
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, ,but this is not a photo-copier."

A fairy saw a lion chasing a rabbit in the forest.
She asked both to stop and said “I will grant you both 3 wishes.”

Lion – Turn all the lions in this forest female, except me.
Rabbit wished for a helmet.
Lion thought – stupid rabbit, wasting his wish.

2nd wish lion – I wish all the lions in next forest turn to female.
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle.
Lion shocked again.

3rd wish lion- All the lions in the world turn to female except me. The rabbit started his motorcycle and shouted his 3rd wish, . . . “Make this lion Gay....!"

Selective Hearing

Women talk too much. That's why
men have developed a superpower
called SELECTIVE HEARING.
EXAMPLE:

When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey You and I need to clean this, Your stuff is all on the floor, You will be without clothes If u don't wash them NOW."

Men only hear:
"bla, bla, bla, HONEY
YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla
bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2 week Company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

The husband laughs and says: An Italian girl!!!

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:

So, honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?

Which present? She asked.

The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!

Oh, that she said: Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl!!!:x =))

MALE LOGIC Vs FEMALE INTENT....

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me, buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read this again!!)

A man and woman had been married for more than 63 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said it will take time to heal. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

An American Family-

Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruis for 1 million?

Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.

Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruis for 1 Million?

Daughter: Yes He is my fantasy!

Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruis for 1 million?

Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!

Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we r sittin wid 3 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we r living wid 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard!!!!

Santa was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."

Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said:
"You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!" cheers

'A servant enrolled his donkey in a
race & won.

Local paper read : 'Servant's ASS
WON'.

King was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he ordered the
servant to get rid of the donkey,
and give it to her queen.
As ordered, He gave the donkey to
the queen.

The local paper then read :
'QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN'.
The king fainted.
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.

Next day paper read :
'QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'.

This was too much, KING ordered
the queen to buy back the donkey
& leave it in the jungle.

The next day Headlines :
'QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
WILD & FREE'

The king died next day!'

'Policeman: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

Bean: I was going in my car then I suddenly lost control.

Policeman: Then what happened?

Bean: I saw 2 people on the right and a wedding on the left. You tell which would I hit?

Policeman: The 2 people on the right of course, would cause less damage.

Bean: Exactly what I thought. I hit the first one but then the other one ran into the wedding so I went after him !'

1 inch - Are you fucking kidding?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
7 inch - Can't complain.
8 inch - Fucking perfect.
9 inch - A bit much.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
11 inch - I can't take it anymore.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

Results of people reviewing different Subway Sandwiches!!!oo

One day a teacher was talking about
marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...
do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, no...

Teacher: oh so u want her to be round and white?

Johny: No, no...

Teacher: Oh, so u want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon?

Johny: No, no...
I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...!!!

man will be man :p :D

Vegetarian looks at my burger and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that burger."

I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all his food...X_X =))

Vegetarian looks at my burger and said, "You know, a sheep died so you could have that burger."

I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all his food...X_X =))

A Man being interviewed for the post of a Security Guard. Interviewer:
"We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert; merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most
importantly; having a killer instinct. Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?" ;) :p
=))

Job at the FBI : The FBI had an opening for an assassin & After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair..... . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'The agent said, 'You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the Gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with fake bullets' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair..'. =D

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasnt there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."

Real Heart Touching Story :( :'( -

Must read and share it:

"A boy sent the most expensive bird that could speak 40 languages as a birthday gift to his G.F.
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Next day he asked about the gift.
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B.f : Hows the bird? :)
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.G.f : Very Tasty :p

MUST READ:Kids are a blessing no matter what they do......

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are
excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
=)) =)) =))

Baby mosquito came back after its first flying...
His dad asked him, "how do u feel ?"
He replied "it was wonderful Daddy... All humans clapped hands for me!!"

Your destiny by your employer is not decided according to what you perform.

E.g. Condoms are also thrown in dustbin even after 100% result oriented performamce..=))

High heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.:p=));)

One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word, 

"I am having such a wonderful time! 
Wish you were her !"

2 kids on a bed....
1st : i am a boy, what are you ??
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2nd : I dont know
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1st : wait I see then I'll
tell you (goes under the
blanket) You are a girl....
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2nd : how did you know ?....
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1st : because my socks
are blue and yours are pink !!!!

A Man goes to Five Star Hotel....

Man :- “One Vodka Price”<=-P

Waiter :- “Rs. 5/- Sir”\=D/

Man :- What Only Rs. 5/ ??:O:>
Can I Also Have One Pizza Please" ??:s

Waiter :- “Rs. 7/- Sir” :D

Man :- “Wow That’s Really Cheap, Can I Meet The Owner of this Hotel” ?? \=D/:>

Waiter :- “No Sir, He’s Busy With My
Girlfriend” !!!! >:O#:-s

Man :- “What’s He Doing With Your
Girlfriend” ???? :/

Waiter :- “The Same Thing That I’m Doing To His Business Here“ !!!!X_X =)) :p

A woman went for fishing.
She enjoyed boating & got tired.
She sat, kept her things &
started reading a book.

Policeman came, said: Maam you are in "NO" fishing Zone.

She said: "I am reading not
fishing."

Policeman said:
"But you have all equipment & u
might start anytime."

Woman shouted: "Im not fishing
here. Now you are sexually harrassing me."

Policeman said: "I am not doing
anything!"

She smiled: "Thats it! You have
all equipment & might start anytime!"

Moral : Never Argue with a Woman

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

The guy who discovered milk, What was he doing with that cow?

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver.

Do you want to Earn $500 right away ?
The driver excitedly said what do I have to do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her.
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
and the husband says to him,
"This is not my wife" the driver replied "
Nooooo , this is mine, hold her for me.
I'm going for yours"! :O X_X =))

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!":)

Height Of A True Bad Luck

A Guy & A Girl Met Last Time 4 Their Break-Up..
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Girl's Father Caught Them
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Now They are a Married Couple... :p :O

A Five-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's Surgery. "Why is your stomach so big?" he asks. "I'm having a baby," she replies. "Is the baby in your stomach?" he asks, with his big eyes. "Yes, it is," she says. "Is it a good baby?" he asks, with a puzzled look. "Oh, yes. A really good baby," the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?"

We live in a generation where "DELETING HISTORY" is more important than "CREATING HISTORY" =D :p X_X

Santa: I m proud on myself, My son is in Medical College in London. B )(*)
Banta: Really what is he studying?*nerd*
Santa: He is not studying, they are studying on him!:D

In '1992'

Boy : Im in love with you !
Girl : Im in a Relationship
Boy : Ok (Commits Suicide) o_O

In '2002'

Boy : Im in Love with you :|
Girl : Im in a Relationship !
Boy : Okay I will find Another
One !:p

In '2013'

Boy : Im in love with you :p
Girl : Im in a Relationship :s
Boy : Okay I will wait for your
'BREAK UP' :D

World's Thinnest Book published .... is titled "WHAT A WOMAN WANTS"
It has only 1 Page with only 1 Word
"EVERYTHING"..!!
.
See how simple Ladies are ;)
All the Major things a woman needs in her lifetime start with the letter "M". Man. Money. . Makeup. Mercedes. Movies. , mall.
Last but not the least. And most important.
....
....
Maid :=))

It Doesn't matter how old you grow up, You'll always get disappointed if your biscuit falls in the tea.=D =))

Mom called me and said she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4:00 o'clock.

Wife: What !!! She came just 4 months back only, right? Why is she coming now again..? Tomorrow is Sunday. I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast...she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. How many days is she going to stay..????

Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming !!!!

Wife: Wow!!...Really!! Great mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na..I have the number of the auto driver...please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast of upma and idli. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight. You can't beat that !!!!!

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH. AND TO ANY WOMAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT :)

You are born original,
don't die as a copy..

Dont care if someone doesnt like You, you were not put on earth to please anyone..

Life is to express yourself not to impress anyone..!

"I used to wonder why there were evil people in the world. Then I realised that good people need an example of what NOT to be."

Q: Why do 90 percent of women believe in ghosts?

A: Because they've seen how fast men disappear after sex!!

The Smart Husband

Once Mom asked:

Whom do you Love more?
Me or your Wife?

Husband replied: I don't know..
but your Love makes me forget my Wife
&
Her Love & care reminds me of You!

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my
costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Amazing puzzle
Priya is 21 years older than her son Raju. In 6 years from now, Priya will be 5 times as old as Raju.
Question : Where is Priya's husband?
(There is a mathematical solution for this. Try it before scrolling down)

Solution :
Priya (MOM =M) is 21 years older than Raju
(Child = C).
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now, Mom will be 5 times as old as her Child.
M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5
C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, that is, -9 months Child will be born in 9 months.
So, right now, Priya's Husband is..

ON TOP OF HER...

This one is a killer.

Santa won an English quiz by writing the opposite of
"Manchester United"

Guess what he wrote?

"Woman chest r divided"=))

A man is stopped by the police at mid night & asked where he's going.

"I am going to listen to a lecture on effects of alcohol & drug abuse on the human body"

The policeman asks,'really? And who's going to give that lecture at this time of night?'

'My wife' comes the reply!!!!:p =D =))

7 Types of Girls

There are basically 7 TYPES OF GIRLS...

1. HARD DISK Girls:
Remember everything forever.

2. RAM Girls:
Forgets about you the moment you turn her
off.

3. SCREEN SAVER Girls:
Just for looking.

4. INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

5. SERVER Girls:
Always busy when needed.

6. MULTIMEDIA Girls:
Makes horrible things looks beautiful.

7. VIRUS Girls :
These type of girls are normally called'WIFE'

once enters in your system don't leave even after format.:D :p

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes...>=) X_X *nerd* (y) =D
=))

What is tension??

A good looking girl asks you for a lift...
.
On way, she goes unconcious...
.
You take her to the hospital....
.
Doctor says :-
'Congratulations, you're going to be a father'..

Here comes the tension............
.
You say, I am not the father
.
Girl says, you are only the father.
.
More tension!........
.
Police came and did the medical check up.......
.
Report came, you can never be a father....
.
Even more tension!...
.
You thank god, and came out....
.
Then it struck you, whose two kids are at home??!?
.
.
REAL TENSION....

EPIC Joke nearing to reality*

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place to have dinner and drink. We had dinner with a couple of drinks then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"Then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop? What
configuration?"
"It's a 8 GB RAM, 3 Ghz Intel i7 3rd gen processor, 1 TB SATA Hdd 7200 RPM, 16'LED capacitive. screen, Windows 8 pro,NVIDIA GT graphic card with 2GB dedicated ram latest dual layer blueray drive and mobile internet connectivity card and....."

"Awesome laptop man!
Show it to me man..Chal bye Aur Haan kal pakka laptop le ke aana..!

FUNNY ULTIMATE TRUTHS

1. Whenever I Find The Key To Success,
Someone Changes The Lock.

2. The Road To Success Is Always Under Construction ;)

3. In Order To Get A Loan,
You First Need To Prove That You Don't Need It :p

4. All The Desirable Things In Life Are Either Illegal, Expensive Or Married :p

5. Once You Have Bought Something, You Will Find The Same Item Being Sold Somewhere Else At A Cheaper Rate :D

Enjoy Life ! :)

Boss : There are 50 bricks on an airplane. If you drop 1 outside. How many are left?

Employee : That's easy,49.

Boss : What are the 3 steps to put an elephant into a fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge

Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in.
Close the fridge.

Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?

Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.

Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?

Employee : She jst crosses it because the crocodiles Are at the lion's birthday

Boss : Last question.
In the end the old lady still died. Why?

Employee : Er .I guess she drowned?

Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the airplane.
You may leave now..

Moral: No matter how much you prepare, if the boss wanna fuck you up, anyhow he will...

A Jamaican man went into a store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out.
He got arrested for stealing the sugar and when he went to court the judge asked him why he steal the sugar?
Then he replied.
Yuh Honor … Mi nah thief no sugar ……mi look pon de back ah di juice and... it said sugar FREE.=D

On Womens Day Special...

All the Major things a Woman needs in her
lifetime start with the letter "M".
Man
Money
Makeup
Mercedes
Movies
Masti
Mall
Maggi
Last but not the least and most important...
....
....
Maid =))

Define the term ... 'Moron'

A moron is someone who visits ice cream parlour instead of chemist when his girlfriend says "I love chocolate flavour..!"

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
A little girl was softly sobbing "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy
"I'm here for blood test, and they're going to cut my finger" said the girl when he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are u crying?" Asked the girl
The boy looked at her worriedly and
said, "I'm here for a urine test..!"

Women's Day Special..!!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.." =D =))

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day..
30,000 to a man's 15,000.. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!"
Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the MASTERPIECE..

Feel eternally YOUNG, FREE and STRONG..

Celebrate the power of being a WOMEN..

Happy Women's Day :)
Respect O:)

A lawyer came home after having sex in his car. The girl forgot her bra and panty in the car. The wife found them, tore them up and shouted: "You dirty bastard!!! You have been screwing ur secretary." Without blinking an eyelid, the lawyer shouted back: "Bitch!! You have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile rape case I have been working on. You can now forget abt that diamond necklace u were asking for!".
The wife fell to her knees, crying & trying 2 repair the torn pieces & the lawyer walked away smiling...

Moral: Start studying LAW.

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.  His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. After 20 minutes, he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating. "why r u sweating?", he asks. The Parrot replies,"Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA :

Scenario 1 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on..
That's MUMBAI..

Scenario 2 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.. The first two get together and beat him up..
That's DELHI.

Scenario 3 : Two guys fighting and third guy comes nearby house and says "don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else."
That's BANGALORE..

Scenario 4 : Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there
That's AHEMDABAD.

Scenario 5 : Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles.. Now 50 guys are fighting..
You are in PUNJAB.

Scenario 6 : Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them..
You are in WASSEYPUR..

Scenario 7: Two guys fighting third guy comes and start beating the weaker one...
You are in KANPUR...

Last Scenario : Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer.. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends..
You are definitely in GOA...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" =))

6 Negatives lines ,with positive meanings....

1. Money can't buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a cycle :D . 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name:D . 3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again/:) . 4. Many people are alive only becoz its illegal to shoot them(n). 5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but neither does juice** . 6. Smoking kills, but if you don't smoke, doesn't mean you'll never die...!!

Santa and Banta are driving down the road and get pulled over by the police. The cop gets out and knocks on the window.
When they open the window, the police officer says, "We are looking for two rapists."
Santa and Banta quickly close the windows and have a heated argument.
After a few minutes, Santa rolls down his window and says to the cop, "Okay... we are ready, we'll do it !! "

A Man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman).
The Judge said " Can you give me one good reason why you did it ? "
Man - I can give 3:
1) It is none of your business.
2) She was my wife.
3) I didn't know she was DEAD. She always behaved like THIS .. When Having Sex.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she said with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Johny kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks!

Johny kills a honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks.

Mom kills a cockroach...
Johny turns to dad and says
are you gonna tell her or shall I...?? B-)

Birthday Surprise..

Climax is just awesome :D

CONFESSION OF A LADY!!!..

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see
me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the
dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband
was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse
than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..

A BF takes his GF to a resturant for dinner GF order fish, crab, lobsters, chicken etc
BF asks her do u eat some much at home too
GF- no but after food my mother does not plan to fuck me=))